"My name is Joey, and I'm from Essex"
"Which part, Joey?"
"All of me"
We’ve all seen a young man with a ball in his mouth on a Saturday night, haven’t we? I’m, of course, talking about on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! If that’s just a standard weekend for you, remind me to never join you on a pub-crawl.
The bushtucker trials, in my opinion, aren’t demanding enough for this year’s roster of – ahem – celebrities. Miss Universe Great Britain 2013 has to fend off snakes? Give her one night in a southern nightclub and she’ll be snaked on more times than ever. Boring.
That’s why, and hear me out, Ant and/or Dec – whichever one’s which – we’ve come up with our own trials.
Participant: Joey Essex
This task does not feature any snakes, scorpions, spiders, cockroaches, centipedes, alligators, crocodiles or any other form of critter. Joey merely has to point on a map where Essex is.
This would be a fantastic task as we all know he’d fail miserably, thus resulting in the camp starving for the evening. Let’s see him make a visible rib cage look reem.
The Jeremy Kyle Show
Participant: Matthew Wright
This task does not feature any snakes, scorpions, spiders, cockroaches, centipedes, alligators, crocodiles but it does feature one critter – Jeremy Kyle. If you’re aware of Matthew Wright, you’ll know of his rivalry against Kyle. This task will consist of Wright putting his head in a Perspex tank full of Jeremy Kyle’s. We’re not quite sure of the logistics of this just yet, but if we can get it happening, it will be nothing but perfection.
Fresh Prince of Bel-Scare
Participant: Alfonso Ribeiro
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Alfonso’s a pretty nifty dancer. And yes, nifty is definitely the appropriate word to describe his skills. He has to dance for his meals – not in a sleazy, stripper way – but in a sense that it would be a shame to waste this opportunity. And while we’re at it, we’ll chuck millipedes at him.
Miss Under the Sea
Participant: Amy Willerton
This task consists of Amy swimming under water in order to unhook… Or unscrew – somehow detaching stars from the seabed and all the while – oh, I haven’t really thought this one through. I just quite want to see Amy in a swimsuit.
Miss Over the Sea
Participant: Laila Morse
This task is identical to Amy’s, except that it does not involve Amy; it does not involve water and it most certainly does not involve Laila in a swimsuit. So, really, it’s nothing like Amy’s task.
Dolce and Banana
Participant: David Emanuel
The stars of the camp are stripped from their clothes. But because Laila did so well in the previous task, she can keep hers… And even if she did appallingly, she can still keep her clothes.
It’s up to David Emanuel to use his surroundings to form attire for his campmates. If he’s seen previous series’ of The X Factor, this will be easy as pie. A cockroach-filled pie.
Generic End of Season Task
Participants: Rebecca Adlington, Steve Davis, Kian Egan and Lucy Pargeter
The gang have to do silly things will having slimy things thrown at them. What are those guys like?
Okay, I admit, I’m tired and it’s late. I can’t think of anything witty to write for these guys, so, Ant and Dec, put down the champagne and caviar and help me out, won’t you?
Or you don’t have to if you don’t want – after all you are quite intimidating. I have seen the Let’s Get Ready to Rumble music video.